Woah.

The more that I think about it the more I realize that I don’t know what I’m doing.  And I wonder, does anybody? 

I find that in so much of life these days I don’t know what I’m doing.  I like to have control, but situations seem to pop up like wildfire where I have no control.  I get out the fire hose and try to drown out the flames but often times with no success.  Situations with work (praise Jesus, it’s summer!), grad school, moving out of my apartment, money, friends, and family quickly become seemingly unmanagable and I have to stop.  I wonder how God expects me to keep walking through the day to day with so many unknowns still trusting him and still being His follower, pointing others to who He is.

A few weeks ago the pastor doing our premarital counseling reminded Josh and I of Agustine’s prayer, “Give what You command, and command what You will”.  This keeps coming back to me. 

God commands us to do so many things.  The greatest of which is to love one another like He loves us.  Um, I don’t know about you, but that’s a hard one for me!  However, Agustine’s prayer reminds us that not only does God have the power to command whatever He wants, but He also is gracious enough to give what He commands.  He alone gives us the strength to do His will.  We just have to ask Him to give it.  It’s only by His grace that we can love like He loves and walk through this life with the confidence that only having Jesus’ blood covering our sin can bring.

He WILL command.  But He will also walk alongside us through it all.

Anyway, just some thoughts from me.  Please pray for Josh and I as we prepare for a life together.  I’m very excited to become his wife and learn even more about who God is through my relationship with Josh. 

<3

But yet, I’m also feeling really strong. 

It’s strange. 

Real strange. 

There are things in life that have hurt. 

A lot. 

And I’m realizing that some of those things may very well stop hurting. 

I have to be okay with that in order to not be bitter, miserable, and self-destructive. 

The theme of the last year seems to be “Even if…God IS”. 

When I moved here, there were many challenges waiting for me.  There were issues to deal with.  Wounds that I’d been putting bandaids over than had to be cleaned out.  It stung and at times has been gut-wrenching.  And even now, with my sweet Joshua by my side, there’s still drama that comes with planning a wedding and as a result of the last 26 years of life’s circumstances.

BUT…”Even when…God IS”

And he’s teaching me to rely on Him because He’s got it handled.   

I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength.  – Philippians 4:11-13

Learning to be content…to rest in HIM is possible because He gives me the strength to do so.  When I can’t hold it together any longer He is there.  My contentment does not come from my circumstance, my family, my friends, my fiance, my wedding, my ANYTHING…except for my relationship with the Lord.

I haven’t quite gotten that one down yet, but the fact that I’m still walking day by day shows me that He really is enough.

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. -Romans 8:38-40

This is what keeps me going when I feel like I can’t.  I hold on to the promise of these verses and know that “Even if…God loves”

Even if I gain 10 pounds.

Even if my students are upset with me.

Even if my house is never clean.

Even if I don’t know how to deal with family.

Even if I’m not the perfect wife (whatever that means).

Even if…

He still loves me.  And I’m still good enough because He says I am.

So…I can do this…because He and His love will get me through…

…even if.

So crazy how God works.  9 months ago I had a completely different plan. 

God quickly showed me that He was better.

Better than my plan.

What do you know?  The Creator of the Universe can plan my life better than me!

I met my sweet Joshua in a class online this summer.  We never met in person and knew nothing about one another…Then this Fall, we had a class in person together.  I was pretty much not interested in getting in another serious relationship after having my heart broken pretty badly but God quicly showed me that there was something special about Josh.  He got up the guts to ask me out and we started spending time together.

…and last night he asked me to be his wife.

Things haven’t been perfect by any means and in our short 6 months of dating we’ve had our fair share of trying times and difficult conversations BUT also through these short 6 months I have grown to know a love that I’ve never known before.  I know what it’s like to feel accepted and cared for even when I mess up and I know what it’s like to not be able to imagine life with anyone else and not to want to…and most importantly through Josh’s love I’ve learned even more what God’s love must be like.  I think that says a lot about who Josh is and how special he is to me and those around him.

So…I will pause here in my excitement as to not make this post too long but stay tuned for the engagement story!

I love my sister, Jessica.  She’s gorgeous…sweet…funny…crazy…and amazing.  I got some time with her and the rest of my family at my grandma’s 81st bday party the other day!  Love her!

My child is now a teenager.  This is Alejandro, who I sponsor in Bolvia.  I love this kid so much…I’ve been sponsoring him since we was 12 and now he’s 16!  YIKES! 

Anyway, that’s all my randomness for today!   I’m feeling extra blessed to have such amazing people in my life!

I throw up walls like nobody’s business.

It’s easy.

Walls offer protection and comfort…to keep others from hurting me…to keep myself safe.

I was amazed at how quickly I was able to throw up a wall the other day when I got scared during a conversation…it was a strong wall…with an electric fence around it.

I lashed out.  Said hurtful things…hurt someone’s feelings. 

I recognized this…and the hurt in the other person’s eyes and tore my wall right back down.

It was in this moment that I realized that I’m such an expert…and I don’t like it.  See, those walls have served me well in the past…I became an expert at putting them up because at times I had to…there were times when I didn’t set boundaries with people that I should have and in turn I got really hurt…so I practiced my wall building skills and began building. 

Don’t get me wrong…BOUNDARIES are healthy…but walls…not so much.

“In short, boundaries are not walls. The Bible does not say that we are to be “walled off” from others; in fact, it says that we are to be “one” with them (John 17:11). We are to be in community with them. But in every community, all members have their own space and property. The important thing is that property lines be permeable enough to allow passing and strong enough to keep out danger.”
-excerpt from Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend

I want my life to be a construction zone…but not one filled with throwing up walls in record time…

…I want it to be a construction zone filled with demolition of those walls…and building up my faith…in others…and in the Lord.  In the process, some healthy boundary setting will inevitibly take place…

I’m definitely a work in progress…watch out…hopefully in a good way!

our ministry…

that God has given us by His grace…

 

“Therefore, since through God’s mercy we have this ministry, we do not lose heart.”
-2 Corinthians 4:1

Everything that happens in our lives is preparing us for THIS ministry. 

Sometimes I wonder how I got here…to this place…physically and emotionally.

I wonder sometimes why God in all of His awesomeness has allowed such crummy circumstances at times…and why I allowed myself to settle for and even invite crummy circumstances into my life through the choices I’ve made.

The light is shining in the break in this part of life’s tunnel.  (I don’t say the end of the tunnel because realistically speaking I’m sure there will be more dark tunnel in the future!)   Life is stiff difficult at times.  Frustrating.  But overall, I’m able to see a lot more light than in the past!

God is SO good and mercificul…He’s been teaching me so much!  And, there’s always THIS GUY…who I’m so grateful for…

Sorry, I got sidetracked…

Life leading up to this moment has been PAINFUL.  Why?  God wanted me to have THIS ministry.  The ministry that only I can have…because I’m me…crummy experiences and all…and I’ve experienced God’s love and grace in a unique way that only I could have due to my experiences.

I try to remember this when I get down about circumstances. 

I often compare myself to other people.  I want the personality to maintain a cleaner house, a higher metabolism, a better paying job…BUT God has created me like this for THIS ministry.

What is THIS ministry?  I don’t exactly know!  I know parts of my ministry…loving high schoolers…giving to and serving in Bolivia.  But I’m convinced that so much of our personal ministry comes in the little day to day times when we can just love those around us. 

Give a hug, share an experience, LOVE.

 

“For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” -Ephesians 2:10

God’s handiwork…woah!

I’m trying to be more aware of the moments that God has equipped me in a special way for…to love people…and show them a glimpse of Him.

And…when those crummy times and tunnels come, I am learning to be more aware of the fact that God is working all things together for “good” to make me more like Him.

 

“God knew what he was doing from the very beginning. He decided from the outset to shape the lives of those who love him along the same lines as the life of his Son…” -Romans 8:29 (MSG)

What’s your ministry today?

Like really afraid of…?

Far too often I’m afraid of what people think.  It paralyzes me…leaves me unable to move.  So…I retreat…leaving life to pile up while I ignore it…ready to greet me in all its vigor when I’m forced to face it.

I’d been avoiding several situations over the past few months…hoping they’d go away…and I finally realized last week that they aren’t going anywhere and I’d have to deal with it.

I was really scared…

…mostly because I was afraid that I’d look bad…

…or that I wouldn’t be good enough.

God reminded me this morning that it doesn’t really matter what other people think.  As long as I’m going about life in the way that I believe He’s directing me…I’m okay. 

He’s got my back.

Done!

I was listening to the radio this morning and Natalie Grant’s “Your Great Name” came on…

“Every fear; has no place; at the sound of Your Great Name
The enemy; he has to leave; at the sound of Your Great Name”

Hearing this reminded me of how rediculous it is for me to fear the things I do.  My fear has no place when Jesus in involved!  The only thing I need to fear is dishonoring Him and if I’m not doing that…He’s more than capable of handling it!

I’m getting better at recognizing that the fear of have is not from Him.  Its from Satan who is trying to destroy…and even he has to flee at the sound of Jesus’s name. 

Good Stuff.

Oh, the energy we would safe if we would just remember the power that His Great Name holds…and the truth in His word…

He’s got this handled…

And He is GOOD! 

PS.  No Starbucks this morning…I saved my $3.16!

So…in following with this tradition…

I may or may not have an addiction to my morning coffee…I survived my first 2 years teaching without it (only the occasional cup here or there) and for some reason, last year, I got to the point where I just couldn’t get through the day without it…well…I could…but it’s usually not a pretty first few hours.

I used to do Dunkin’ Donuts but then my Dunkin’ Donuts temporarily closed for renovation and Starbucks became the new favorite. 

Something about my venti iced coffee with extra nonfat milk and one splenda just makes my day better.  And the fact that my favorite Barista is usually there to ensure that my coffee is just right (he has my order memorized) makes it even better…UNTIL…

They tell me how much it costs. 

$3.16

Yep, that coffee costs me $15.80 per week…

…approximately $63.20 per month…

…and over 180 school days…$568.80…

YIKES.

I don’t have that kind of money to spend…

…especially not on coffee…

That’s enough money for a LOT of new clothes…or a nice vacation…or to cut a chunk out of that credit card debt that wants to stick around me be my not-so-loving friend…

I needed this post for me…to see how much I was really spending…on coffee!

That’s it…I’m making my coffee for tomorrow tonight…

Bye bye, my wonderful Barista…I will see you on special occasions but my wallet and I must part ways from you so that I “mayhave” some more money in my wallet!

“There are five stages to grief which are… Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance and right now…they are all denying the fact that they’re sad and that’s hard and it’s making them all angry…it is my job to get them all the way through to Acceptance and if not Acceptance then Depression…If I can get them depressed, then I’ll have done my job.” -Michael Scott, The Office

In health class in high school I learned about the stages of grief…DABDA…Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance…

I always thought the grieving process was only relevant to death…of a person.  Lately, I’ve been realizing how wrong that idea was.  We experience grief through so many avenues in life…not just death of those we love…we experience death of nontangible things as well…mainly the dreams we had of what we thought life would be…or even what we believe if should have been. 

There are so many things about my life that do not fit the mold of what I thought it would or should have been.  From my relationships with my parents and my sisters…to the breaks in my heart from destructive romantic relationships…to where I am financially…and to the fact that I’m not married which on my high school timeline, would have happened about 5 years ago!

All of this is not to say that my life sucks…or that I hate where God has put me.  Actually, I could probably say the opposite…I’m learning some amazing things right now…working on my master’s degree…dating my sweet Joshua (who I’m crazy about)…and making some great friends!  It’s just that life…well…it’s not what I THOUGHT it would be! 

I’m convinced that this is how it will be forever.  Life will never be all the we dream it up to be in our human narrowmindedness.  Our plans will not work out exactly as we dream them to be…or how we would do it if it was solely up to us!  I’m realizing that this is a good thing!  Praise God that He is able to see the big picture and that He is working all things together for His plans which are so much bigger than mine!

Knowing this helps make the loss of “what might have been” easier…but doesn’t take away the hurt or even the anger at times.  And so…in these times when the “what might have been’s” don’t happen…I truly believe it’s okay to grieve…to really mourn the loss of those “what might have been’s”.  My friend Emily, brought up the point the other day at Bible study that mourning is okay…as long as we do it at the feet of Jesus…

When we let our mourning become bitterness and unforgiveness we have a problem…but if we bring our hopes, dreams, and hurts to Jesus…laying them at His feet…He is waiting to reach out and hold us.  I believe that He wants us to tell Him that we don’t understand…that we are hurting…because in our brokenness He can show Himself faithful.  In mourning at the feet of Jesus, we can lay down our dissapointments and surrender our future to Him…we can begin to move toward acceptance…acceptance of the greater plans that we can trust God has for us!

So…I leave you with another quote from the office…(I just can’t help myself…!)

“There’s such a thing as good grief…just ask Charlie Brown!”-Michael Scott

At some point, following “the list” for the sake of “the list” wasn’t enough anymore.  When times got tough and people began to fail me I no longer could cling to my list to get me through.  If all these people were failing me how could I trust that God wouldn’t fail me?  It wasn’t enough to believe that God existed…but I needed to really believe HIM…that every word He said was true…and that He WAS and IS…

I’ve been realizing lately that every destructive decision that I’ve made can be traced back to my disbelief in who God is…because if I had really believed it I wouldn’t have sought out other things things to fulfill the longing I had in my heart for love, intimacy, and self-worth.  If I had really believed that God held my future and had plans for good for me I would have stayed on His path rather than taking the side roads that so often have led to hurt, fear, and a strain in my relationship with Him.  If I had really believed that God loved me SO much that He sent His son for to die on the cross for me, I wouldn’t have looked for love for so long in empty relationships that left me more broken than when I entered them…if only…if only…if only…

It seems so simple…I’ve always SAID the words proclaiming my belief in God but I have to believe that if I had TRULY placed my trust…my hopes…my dreams…in His hands…BELIEVING that He COULD and WOULD handle it…life would have looked a lot different up to this point. 

I don’t say this to beat myself up…or to have a pity party…but rather because of the gratitude I have for the God who has loved me all along through all of my disbelief.  He has patiently been pursuing me and calling me to surrender and REST in who He is.  I wonder how different life would look if we TRULY believed God…took Him at His word…for ALL of it.   It’s difficult because He is everything that is counterintuitive to what we are conditioned by our culture to believe…He is the only thing that truly can fill us up…make us whole…give us the joy and peace that we so desperately long for…

Anyway, all this reminds me of a hymn that I SO love…

“…No guilt in life, no fear in death, this is the power of Christ in me…from life’s first cry to final breath, Jesus commands my destiny…On Christ the Solid Rock I’ll stand, ALL other ground is sinking sand…”

That’s my prayer…and my declaration…that I would truly learn to believe God…ALL of Him…that I would keep Him and Him alone as my solid ground…knowing that He commands my future…and it is good.